in love with my bestfriend

So recently my life changed heaps. Maybe not to some, but to me, it definitely did. My best friend confessed his feelings for me… did i tell you that he’s gay? well maybe not exactly anymore, but yanno. The next two days after he confessed I lost my virginity to him, and it was his first time having sex with a girl. Confusing right. I dont know how it happened, we didnt think at all. For a while after that, we were fucked in the head. Depressed and at an all time low. I felt used and abused, like I had lost my bestfriend and the love of my life. Oh and did I forget to mention that when he confessed I was in the middle of getting over him. I was talking to this guy, still am (long story), and decided that this was the guy for me and that I was going to give up on my best friend.. that is until he confessed to me, hence another reason I felt like it was wrong because maybe he just wanted me bcs someone else wanted me yanno. Also, I’ve never been one to really be emotionally invested in intimate relationships and decided it was time, but no lmao. While moving on, my bestfriend confesses to me and in the same week I lost it to him and the guy that I’m talking to is completely clueless and thinks im still a virgin. Also he told me that he loved me and we were supposed to make it official on Friday. That didn’t happen because I ended up at my best friends house, i do not know how, but i did lmao. All he’d been doing for the week was smoking weed and sleeping and repeat. So when we talked, we were both fucked. I sat there staring at him and seeing him hurt was hurting me. It was the first time we properly talked since wednesday and it hurt. On wednesday, we had a mad squad chill and then at around 12am parked up at hjs across the road form richlands traino. Everyone left, but me and Will. He came and sat in my car and we talked and basically it ended up with him leaving at 3am and me staying in the car park crying. Paryse, my other best friend came and picked me up and cuddled me to sleep that night bcs i couldnt stop crying. I felt for the the first time what break truly felt like. He was confused and so was I and we were lost souls. Anyways he had apparently been looking for me from like 4-6 bcs he saw my car was still in the car park and i wasnt there and freaked out. The next day I go back to grab my car and left a note under my door handle telling me to come over for a smoke that day and that he loves me. At that point, I didn’t know what was happening. Back to friday and were outside having a smoke. I could see how hurt he was and it made me want to cry. We came to the conclusion that we would chill now and try ‘us’ out in the future bcs it would be better then than now. And I agreed, but was still unsure at what that meant. I know I love will. I’m in love with him. He’s everything to me, my brother, best friend, boyfriend, husband, dad. Will is my other half, he completes me in way most people wouldnt understand. So it hurt when we couldnt try us now, but i understood bcs at the same time I needed to find myself. Skip to Sunday and he comes over after work and basically a lot of miscommunication and me crying ahhhah. After clearing that up bcs like i thought he was ending everything but he wasnt. I understand where hes coming from. He needs to find himself in order to be the right person for me and to know who he is. Plus yanno sexuality confusion and eveyrthing would be heaps. One thing I love about us though is we always say best friends before anything. We talked about getting married.. I know wtf you guys cant even get into a relationship rn, what makes you think youre going to get married ahha. Honestly idk, I just know it. He said that it was the one thing he was sure of, is that I’d be the girl her married. Before I jumped out of the car he said we were getting married and we talked about nice it would be to have a big wedding and that we’ve have two kids. I’m completely in love with him. I love everything, the bad and the good. I hate feeling like this in a way bcs i know i need to go out and experience new things, like guys and idk new hobbies tot ry and find myself so i know when we do get together its only him forever. i dont want to sleep with other people though like im completely in love with will.

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