Saddened soul

What better way to out my feelings than to a blog left unread? I feel so much, yet I feel emotionless. Has the pain become so much so that somehow my body has learnt to just turn it off? My family owns my heart, yet they give me the greatest heartache. Don’t they realise the words they use to taunt me are the same words that are breaking me inside out? Do they not realise these words are silent murderers. In saying that, I can say hurtful shit as well. I say that to protect myself, maybe they do the same? But to what end? Until when does this stop? Why are my feelings thrown aside? I know you have a lot on your plate mum and Celia is going through shit, but aren’t we all? What makes her problems bigger than mine? Why do I get thrown aside? Why am I always left to feel unloved and uncared for? Why do I have to be the strong one? I’m younger than Celia. I was the one who slept on the streets. I was the one who stayed at an emergency shelter for 3 months. I was the unloved daughter. And you Celia, you were dads favourite REMEMBER? He would come home and bring you chocolates and would hit me. YOU WERE FAVOURED! LOVED! CHERISHED! CARED FOR!!!!!!!@!@! yet your the one who’s always screaming for help. Why do you do this? Why do you push me away when I try to be there for you? Why do you choose your friends over me? Why do you put boys before me? WHYYYY!???????? who’s going to be there for you when they’re gone!???? WHOOOOO CELIAAAA! im going through shit too. I have my own demons. I can’t keep being weighed down by someone who clearly does not care. Why do you talk to guys i talk to? Why do you kiss guys who meant so much to me? WHYYY CELIA!???? why do you treat strangers better than your own sister? Why do you act like our relationship is good in front of others and then behind closed doors push me aside when no ones there to watch??? Why is my dad not there for me? I get it. Because I don’t cry in front of everyone, I seem like I can take everything you guys throw at me. I can handle being second best, but I can’t. I’m just as fragile. I break too, maybe not in front of everyone, but at night I cry myself to sleep. Sometime during the day I have to secretly slip away from everyone because I forget how to breathe. This heavy feeling becomes too much. Do you think I like being the outcast? The one who has to be strong. The punching bag for everyone? I’m trying so hard, so fucking hard to make a life for myself so I don’t have to feel like this. I want to set my soul free. I want to be free from this type of pain. I don’t want to be a saddened soul.


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