Car park cry

  1. I don’t know what to say because I just don’t know. I’m sitting in a car park right now, close to tears, yet far from it. Everything’s going so well right now, why do I feel like this? Where is it coming from? I feel empty. I feel like I’m missing something or someone. Is there something I’m not at peace with? If so, what is it? I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to cry to someone, but fuck that. No one needs my problems on top of their own. So here I am, once again, sitting in the same car park listening to music. I wish it would go away. Is it because of my biological father? It is because of my “dad”? He doesn’t even deserve to be called that. Yeah he did a lot, but when I think back to it, did he really? He was just there for 10 years and then suddenly not. He’s got his own life. I always message him, but I get the seen. I could accept my real father up and leaving, but for it to happen again. I never form really close bonds like that, place so much love on someone, but yet, I did… and just like the first time, he left me behind. My life is going so well right now though? What’s happening? Why can’t I get over this? Why can’t I feel happy. I feel like one day, I feel the best I’ve ever felt and the next I’ve never stopped so low. Can I run away from this? I don’t think so.. I’m sick of it. So fucking sick of feeling like this, feeling so unloved, unwanted and worthless. Is that why I’m like this now? I could’ve turned out worse, how did I turn out like this? I strive for so much more and push through it. I know people around me think I’m strong and I’m doing so well, but I’m not. Well not emotionally and spiritually anyways. I want to cry and cry and cry. Sometimes tears don’t come out, that’s the worst. When you feel so dead inside and you can’t even cry to alleviate some of that pain. I want someone to take it away.. this feeling, I don’t even know what it’s called. It just keeps popping up when I feel like everything is okay.     This is me. Raw, no editing, no filtering, no nothing. Everything on the table, unmasked and no longer discrete. I just want to get over this. Pleaseeeee! I will. I will get over this and I will be happy. Maybe this is just a temporary sadness, maybe it’ll go away if I just drop it… this car park carries the cries of a 17 year old girl who’s trying her best to live, laugh and love.

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