Conflicting contradictions

Like the title of this blog, I have many conflicting contradictions that are bothering me. I love the people in my life, but when can I catch a break? I need me time, or else I need a genuine connection to the people around me. I feel like I’m surrounded by ignorant and arrogant people. Even ones who seem to think they’re perfect and can do no wrong. Everything is annoying me. I just started uni and I just can’t deal with this shit right now. I talked to my biological father last night, smh. He doesn’t understand anything and he was never there for me ever. I’ve had 4 parents and all 4 have let me down drastically. I wish I wasn’t born into this world sometimes, if you guys were going to let me fend for myself, than why have me? Were you thinking? Bringing a child into this world with a shitty upbringing, people coming in and out of her life and her having to figure everything out on her own. I have fucking issues now. I so deeply want a partner, a companion of sorts, but no. No I can’t have that because something is stopping me. I can’t form relationships with guys, intimate ones. I can’t form those connections with them and whenever I think I’m close to a guy, I begin to hate them out of nowhere and I blame my fucking slack as dad and father and my fucking mum. I’m emotionally fucked. I can’t love, but I feel like I have so much love to give. I’ve got so much to give, but I can’t. It’s bottled inside me, unrelenting and held somewhat captive because I can’t free it. I want to ditch everyone in my life right now, don’t get me wrong, i know I have good people in my life, but I can’t right now. I need space to breathe, to grow and to live. I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m losing myself or maybe I didn’t even know myself in the first place? I don’t what I love anymore, I’m not interested in the things I use to be interested in. I don’t find joy in things that use to give me happiness. I just feel dull and empty. Even the tears sometimes don’t come out because I can’t feel anything. I want to cry, I want to scream, but nothing comes out. Everything right now seems like a conflicting contradiction.

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