Babbling on about bullshit..

Give me a drink or some bud and I’d be good for the rest of the night aha. Looking around, everyone I know has or are currently in serious relationships. The feeling of ‘love’ in that intimate way is so foreign to me. Ugh, it’s so annoying. Why can’t I form connections with guys, or better yet, why can’t I keep the connection going? I literally get sick of them so easily. One moment I’m interested and the next I’m bored. I know I have so much love to give. I love hard. I know this, but it’s like when it comes to relationships, I just can’t seem to offer love in that regard. Friends and family appear to be something else altogether. I devote all my love to them, maybe that’s why? Am I focusing on my friends too much? To the point where I’ve been neglecting my own needs and wants from another individual? I don’t know. In no way am I blaming them, it’s an issue residing within me. If anything, I feel like I need them more than they need me. They always say otherwise, but if only they knew what was going through my mind and how much I owe our friendships for getting me through so much shit. Maybe then they could truely comprehend how much I cherish them and how essential their friendship is and will forever be for me. I’ve been letting myself go quite a lot. Eating sporadically and then not eating at all. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think it may be the nerves with starting university next week. I’m kind’ve nervous aha. However, I’m excited. This new chapter in my life is going to be so different, I already feel it. I want to start a youtube channel once things start to settle down a bit more in my life aha. I don’t know, I think it’ll be an interesting experience aha. I watched a few high school rom coms tonight… It makes me regret some things. I definitely got the party bit down ahah, my party life during high school was fucking phenomenal, so I definitely don’t regret that, but as you know with every high school romance comedy comes the actual romance. Something I missed throughout high school. Sure, I went out on dates and had a few flings with guys, but nothing worth noting. Not even puppy love. Ugh, everyone around me is much more experienced and I feel like it’s matured a lot of my friends, or helped them to mature anyways. I don’t have the part so I can’t really say I’ve grown much in the way that a relationship helps an individual grow. I think it broadens their perspective on things, something I’d definitely would like to happen for me. I want my partner to challenge and motivate me, to love me unconditionally, yet doesn’t smother me. I want him to make an effort for us, to be honest and hardworking. I want him more than anything to be brave and loyal or maybe that’s too much. Fucking oath, I should stop saying what I want from a guy and just go out and look for one. But I’m so caught up in my dam self and doing my own shit. I’m trying to get my life together right now and I just don’t have time for little boys. I need a man, a decent guy who isn’t going to waste my time and play games. Someone I won’t regret letting into my life completely. fkn oath. IDK, ugh. I sound like a whiny little bitch ahah. I know I’m young and I’ve got plenty of time, but I don’t know. I’ve had so much fun already, I just wonder what it’ll be like for me to be in a relationship. What type of person I will become. It all intrigues me in some way.

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