Innocently lost or innocence lost

More evident than not, I wake up with an unfamiliar feeling. It can’t be pinpointed with a single word. It’s close to nostalgia, but not quite. I feel lost, but so in tact. It’s weird actually. I kind’ve remember how I use to be before last year happened. Before my parents broke up and before I was out of home. Basically, before reality started kicking in, marking the beginning of the end of my innocence. What happened to the times when reading a Wattpad fan fiction was the only cause for the stream which seeped through my lashes. I miss my old self. The self whose age was discernible in her naivety, and in no way am I saying I’m still not vulnerable to naivety, but what  I am saying is that there is a visible difference between the girl I am now and the girl who I use to be. I feel like I’ve lost so much, but along the way gained just as much. I feel stronger, but so weak at the same time. Does that make sense? I miss my mum. I miss her so much. I miss being a little girl who didn’t have to deal with moving out, with university, with friendships and the social expectations of a blossoming lady. I was so carefree back then. I wish I didn’t drink all the time and I never started smoking weed. I miss the times when I didn’t need a party to forget about my life or when I wasn’t seeking the thrill of adventures to somehow blanket my emotions. I miss the guidance of my parents. My mum is so caught up in her own little world with her new boyfriend that she’s forgetting about me, her daughter. When I need her, she’s never there. Even though I’ve moved out, I’m always making time for her, but she doesn’t do the same. I get that she’s busy, but when you’re constantly turning your daughter down every time she asks to talk or hangout or even failing to reply to her messages and barely making the effort to answer her calls, how else do you expect her to feel? Maybe I’m just being a brat? I don’t know, but she’s different. I’m happy for her, but at the same time, I feel like I’ve lost her to the guy she’s dating. My sister is going through her own stuff. All she cares about is sex with randoms and my little brother. I love him so much and I wish I could take him with me. If only I had my life together right now, I’d make him live with me, but I don’t. I’m only 17 years old. I know nothing about life. I can barely take care of myself right now, so how am i supposed to take care of a 10 year old boy. My dad isn’t even my dad anymore. Long story there, I don’t think I want to talk about it right now. More than anything, my mum has let me down so much. After everything we’ve been through together. Her break up with my biological father, the verbal and physical abuse she suffered, how hard she worked to put a roof over my sister and me. The days we’d walk or catch bus everywhere because we couldn’t afford a car. The days she’d leave my sister and me home alone at the ages of 4 and 6 even though she didn’t want to because she had to go to work and couldn’t afford day care. The nights she’d wake my sister and I up at early hours of the morning so that we could go and sleep in her room because there were drunk men outside our house knocking and laughing. We started off in a government house which was barely standing and we had made it so far. She gave us everything we ever needed and wanted. So maybe I’m being selfish right now in wanting more out of her now? Maybe it’s time I just let my mum live her own life and start relying more on myself. A lot happened last year, so much more than anyone knows. I’ll save that for another time, when I’m ready to talk about it. After everything that’s happened, I just feel so lost. So drained. Amidst all of this though, I feel motivated. I’m so thirsty. Thirsty for success and thirsty for what life has to offer. I just didn’t realise the price I had to pay along the way. Innocently lost or is my innocence lost? 


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