Not fit for feelings

Why is it that I can never find a decent enough guy? I’m going onto 18 this year and I’ve still yet to experience ‘puppy love’. Yes, I’ve talked with guys, but they’ve never lasted because I can never gain feelings for them. As in ‘real feelings’. Ones that don’t fade. I usually get sick of them after a few months and some don’t even last that long. I know I must sound like an actual fuck head or a girl who leads guys on. Maybe I am? but it’s not intentional. In the beginning, I feel like I like them and then after a while, I just get sick of them. Literally. I want them out of my life. It’s like when I reach a certain point with them, I’m done lol. Ya’ll maybe thinking I’m some type of slut or something, but I’m still a virgin and no I don’t go throwing my stuff in people’s faces and so on. Another thing that’s been getting to me is the fact that I compile this mental list of what I’m looking for in a dude and when I’ve found a dude who suits all the criteria, I get sick of him and throw him aside. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me and so I compile a new mental list, trying desperately to find guys who suit the criteria and when they do, I grow bored of them after a while of hanging out and talking. Why am I like this? Some of these guys genuinely see some sort of future with me and I cut them off instantly. I push them away until I can see they hate me. Sometime’s I try to make them cut ties with me by becoming a bitch to them even though I don’t want to be like that. I say things I certainly don’t mean to make them hate me so that I don’t have to bare the guilt of telling them I don’t care about them in that way. I’m growing more and more sick of guys as the days pass. I’m starting to feel nothing aha. I want to fall in love, have my heartbroken, go through the normal stages someone should go through. Instead, I feel like a heartless bitch who draws guys in and ditches them once they start to bore me. Maybe I shouldn’t post this? But, this is how I actually feel. I want to let it out. Maybe someone else is the same? Maybe I’m not alone in this one? I don’t want to hurt anyone, which is why I cut most things off before they even start nowadays. The guy I’m talking to now.. well let’s just say I don’t know. Something blocks me every time. I don’t know what it is, but it blocks me from fully caring about someone. That someone being a potential love partner and I don’t know what it is. I wish I knew, but I don’t. I’m really not fit for feelings…

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